Tuesday, March 3, 2009


New York City?!?!?! Ok, so I've been here. I've seen the sun, clouds and snow. It's colder than even a beard can handle. So bring it! I got to hear someone say "whoopty frickin' doo!" and ate more whoopty frickin' pizza than I have whoopty frickin' fingers. I spit and pissed and shit off the Empire State Building, and I ate live rats to my hearts content. Woody Allan lives here. Does my saying that make you uncomfortable? What if he ran around Manhattan screaming and foaming at the mouth grabbing butts and boobs? Oh, hearts on fire!! I wonder if he feels the same way about the coffee here as I do.

So now we get down to it, coffee in NYC blows! BLOWS!!! It shouldn't, right? RIGHT?! Just about every place I went - too watery! Too cold! Too chocolaty bullshitty! I went to a place in search of a good mocha, and they said they didn't have chocolate! And when the woman tried to put my cup in a to-go bag, I had a heart attack AND a stroke!! I finally tasted what was supposed to be plain old delicious coffee, and it was so bad I threw it out and went to the next closest coffee shop. Finally, when I had a decent cup of coffee, it was covered in fancy fucking bullshit!! Whipped cream... maybe. SPRINKLES!!?? Get that shit away from me!!! Dunkin' Donuts is hot shit over there too. Maybe over there it actually IS the best coffee. WTF?! FTW?!

People are gonna want to fight me for this next statement, so I'll just swing my fists and yell while I type it: FHHJJUHGfdSwfYjOkK... Okay, that didn't work. I'll try just typing: I wasn't impressed with the pizza either. Really?! I thought that was the whole point of real New York pizza. And I ate sooooo much fuckin pizza over there too. Cheese pizza, veggie pizza, white pizza, pesto pizza, fuck you pizza! It's definitely different from over here, but I prefer our bullshit pizza to what I've had. There was a pizza place next to where I was staying that was supposed to be amazing, and since I didn't actually go there... yes. It was amazing. Best pizza in all of New York. Let's just leave it at that.

It snowed over there right as I was leaving, and let me tell you, shit breaks when it snows. You might think that a city that gets snow on a regular basis would have the snow thing sort of under control. Well... no. Flights were cancelled, which is understandable. But the shuttle to the airport was straight busted. Getting from the subway to the airport took and hour and a half. The train stopped at a terminal, then waited for 15 minutes before moving to the next. Then it would get to the next terminal, stop... and go backwards to the previous terminal? When I finally got to my stop nobody could get out because there was a dude texting in the door way while everyone shouted, "c'mon buddy! Today! Pay attention!"

My flight ended up being delayed by 4 hours. On the up side, I got to sit at a restaurant and watch 8 1/2.


1 comment:

  1. Once you've had a taste of Oakland, everything else just pales in comparison.