Friday, January 23, 2009

I've seen a Manneken-Pis in Barcelona, but I ain't never seen an elephant-zzzzZZZZ

I haven't been posting for a while because, frankly, I've been pooping. Pooping! Europe is the Konditorei of toilets. They have it all, for every occasion. How do you want it? Do you want to sit while you pee? Do you want to sift? Do you want to take a minute and look (i.e. smell) at your poopies? Maybe poke 'em a bit? Give them a grand sending? Smash the champagne on the mighty porcelain cruise liner? Maybe you just want to squat and drop bombs over a saucy hole in the floor. Splash backs welcome!

Now that I'm back here all I want in life are toilets. Fuck everything! Toilets! Toiiilettss!!!! I don't even want furniture anymore. I'm going back to america and gutting that shit and putting toilets in every room of the house. Oh you want to cook a meal? NO!!! TOILETS!!! Laundry?! TOOIIIILLEEETTTTTSSS!!!!! Other benefits come with shitting all day for a living (because really, what else is there to do, Mr. Shithouse?!) Unwanted relatives stay away, thieves aren't that fucking stupid, and giant rats are cute! Fuck it! Right? Yes, that's right. You love toilets! Use tongue. Whisper softly. Start adding on to your fucking houses, assholes, cause it's baby toilets time. Forever.

Oh, and P.S., I'm traveling in Europe. Wish you were here!

Sunday, January 4, 2009


As we desperately approach the fateful year of slowly runny bowels and quickly singeing armpit hair brought to us lovingly by those wacky mayans, one can't help but think, "boy! Gee oh boy-o! They just thought uh ever'thing, now, di'n't they!" But, really! It's 2009, right? Why wait? Why not just go watch the movie about it all this year (starring John Cusack! Ooh! Hearts on fire!!) right? Why? Cause fucking get over it, that's why. If it makes you feel better you can go to CostCo after the credits and stock up on water... hella water. Water's gonna be the new currency... cause money's gonna go up to heaven... cause heaven needs a bail out. At this rate 2012's gonna need a bail out too, along with smartypantsery. RIGHT?!

Oh, and can Wells Fargo please bring back the tradition of shipping everyone a naked cherub in a wooden crate for the new year? Top hats welcome!