Friday, April 3, 2009

If It Walks Like Shit, and It Talks Like Shit...


That's right! Art is big! People like it cause they don't get it. If they wanted to get it, they'd buy blueprints! Blueprints are hot, right?

And art is easy! Any asshole can do it! How? Buy a fucking can of paint, asshole! You don't even need a brush. Grab a stick! Use your fingers! Use your dick! Shove paint up your ass and blow it all over the floor! Take a metal cabinet and sign it! Steal your neighbors coathangers and glue em together! Chew bread! Shoot at a rock with a machine gun! Take pictures of every fucking piece of furniture in your house! Piss on cheese and encase it in resin! See?! Now you're an asshole -- I mean, artist.

But it doesn't stop there! Why not be a part of your art?! Now you're a performance artist! You don't even have to make art! You don't even have to know what art is or where to sell it! Light a donkey's ass on fire and ride it into a library! You're a fuckin performance artist! Drink 20 bottles of laxitive and shit and run down Broadway! You're a fuckin performance artist! Shove frogs up your ass in an elevator full of howler monkeys with crossbows! Webcast it! See!!? Performance artist!!

Is art really better when contemplated and displayed with an "artist's statement?" Or should we just throw care to the wind and let chaos run balls out rampant all over our eyes, ears and brains? Who decides if we are eligible to create art? And should they have their licenses revoked? As someone who considers themself an "artist," I can't help but cringe at the shit I see by "colleagues" who actually make money on the shit. My biggest worry is that I'm completely delusional, and there is no discernable difference between "their shit" and "my shit." But I like to hope and dream that there is a difference.

But regardless of what the answer is, buy shitty art. You never know if it's good, they never know if it's good, and the best part is, it doesn't fucking matter! Art collectors are hotter than artists anyway! Be one! Get laid! Shove as many paintings up your ass as you can, before they take over the world and make us our slaves! Have you ever been a slave to art? I don't recommend it.