Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Oh damn...

I have a blog? Fuck.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Everybody Does It...

Sooner or later technology takes a shit. I don't care you you fucking think you are, but a big fat robot on chicken's legs is going to sneak up behind you, squat, and release. Maybe it will scream as it does so. Maybe it will quiver oh-so-slightly. Maybe it will have had a serious night of all you can eat Indian buffet followed by a taco truck debauchery. Well... if that's the case this might sting a bit more than usual. It's like that scene at the end of Gremlins 2... remember that? REMEMBER?! REMEMBER...MESSY!?!!?!?

In any case, the basic message is the same: There's an evil robot that somehow has figured out a way to eat foods that make it shit. Lot's of shit. This is not an easy feat, since robots don't have human organs and would ultimately rust and rot if it shoveled curry, carne asada, or spicy kielbasa down it's throat... which it also shouldn't have...

So wait... now I have another question about this whole fucking mess... who is making these asshole robots??? I bet I know the answer. It's Stephen Hawking, isn't it? I should punch him in his fat face! That guy is like the new epitome of super villain! Can you imagine if HE was the bad guy in Unbreakable?!?! That end scene WOULD BE CRAAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYY!!!!!!!

Ok, anyway, this post has downhill written all over it. So I'll go some more. Robots? How about computers? Computers with buttholes? What if you had your laptop on your (duh!!) lap, and you started to smell something? BAM!!! Lappoo! You better get your fucking computer a diaper stat! What a fuck!! Now, as much as I like talking about inanimate objects shitting all over the place, I don't want to leave out other important functions. Let's have 'em piss all over you too. Yeah, that's right. You think they have a CD/DVD/DVD±RW/Blu-ray whatever drive, but that's all a disguise. It's a urethra waiting to happen, man!

YOU: Oh man, I gotta rip this fuckin shitty mp3 collection for you and do a diddy on this popcorn fuckin bullshit cause I like you to have my shitty movies!

COMPUTER: PPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAALLLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRYYYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU: ...aw man!

So now you have laptops on big ol' legs that can shit and piss and fuck all over your house and one Stephen Hawking laughing... and laaaaauuuuughing in that computer voice. He's probably doing that thing too, where he just spins around and around in circles in his chair. He's just got it cranked on "left."

STEPHEN HAWKING: HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.

...

I just want technology to do something right for a change. I'm thinking that's too much to ask. Huh?

Oh, and I want someone to go here - yeah, that's right, the South Pole has a fuckin urinal... I hope it's an outhouse!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Stories Before Bedtime Waking Up.

Don't you love that fresh morning air? The song of the birds? The sweeping of the ice cream man opening up shop? Aren't you excited about that morning cup of coffee? Would you like to have a conversation with that special coworker?

Do you have 3 vicodin? Maybe a hammer too?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Movin' On Up.

Life is funny, right? It's like a big Marx Brothers movie where everyone is chasing after you over and around the couch, and all you want to do is shake their hand. Right? Or maybe it's like one of those Three Stooges movies, where everyone's hitting you in the face, but you sure fooled them with the ol' hand in front of the nose to block their approaching fingers. RIGHT?! Or maybe it's like that WC Fields movie, where you drink and drink and drink, and then you drink absinthe, and drink and drink, and then drive the car around the curvy hill from the cops! RIGHT?!?

Wait, wait, I'm starting to get the hang of this game! Give me back the mic!

Sometimes life just works out for you, and you're livin large and riding that phat car with the money flying out of it and you're rapping at the camera which will be seen by bah-zillions and they'll know how hot and sexy you are and how much ice you have. Or, maybe there isn't a camera there. Just some old lady screaming at you to watch the fucking road. Or sometimes you come home to a house filled with hardcore kids strewn around your living room floor. Maybe some are outside drinking vodka out of the bottle. Maybe some are in the kitchen smoking pot while Mr. Grouch tries to push them out with a broom from his garbage can house. Whooooooo knows! The real question is... "Isn't this a good sign to be moving on?"

If the answer is yes, then I'd advise you to start making nice with the Grouch boy. Me? I'll take the flat hunt, thank you very much. The charms of my honeymoon period with the hood are starting to fade away anyways, however, it's not filled with as many needles and curb shittings and crazy talkers that I thought it might. Instead, it's full of bigfeets, strippers, garbage and jamming.

Is this supposed to be the new face of gentrification? Or is this some freak of nature event horizon the likes of which we have never seen? Is it one of the signs of the coming end of the world? Is this the meek inheriting? The thought of Oakland being completely overrun by bigfoot hunters and the Hardcore equivalent to Phish seems like a near impossibility. But then again, no one really thought killing all of Satan's cats would help rats spread the bubonic plague across Europe... I guess we got that one wrong too. Anyway... I get ahead of myself.

Let the flat hunt begin... and let it be good.

Your friend,
Ozwaldo Joe's Goblin Brigade BBQ

P.S. - Why's this guy so happy?!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Honestly, when did you stop defending rap?

Mr. Rock gave up after "Get Low".

Look Back At Me - by Trina

i got a ass so big like the sun
I hope ya got a mile for a dick I wanna (run)
Slap it in ma face, shove it down ma (throat)
Nigga where ya blunt, I can make this pussy (smoke)
I know how to (fuck) I know how to (ride)
I can spin around and keep the dick still inside
Now your mouth (wide), your lookin real scared
I'm a man eater, head hunter, (I'm prepared)

Yeah you runnin now, you runnin! I'm a put this pussy on you! (just like this)

Put this pussy in ya jaws now(snack) like it's thanksgiving and it ain't comin' (back)
Collard greens (neck bones) Nigga chew dis ass
Boat hold a special don't stop till it pass
Licky, licky, licky, licky, licky for a (hour)
I'm a make it rain for ya here's a golden (shower)
I'm smellin like a (flower) My pussy is a (rose)
Come a lil closer I wanna fuck your nose

If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it*up and* smack it look back at it I'm a addict


Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me(girl)
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me(girl)

Look... back... at... me(girl)x3

This ya killa kill form da ville man

If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it up and smack it look back at it I'm a addict

Third bread red broad in my (jeans)
Up all night, took pipe gave (head)
Ass like Trina, face like (Mya)
Shot it on her chest she said Daddy aim (higher)
Put Jimmy on her titties I bust off {wicked}
Gave her mayonaise on her face (pearl necklace)
We turned da camera on and we did a (sex scene)
She called me R. Kelly and I call her.... Dats ma bitch right there nigga!

Hand full of ass and a fist full of (weed)
Ass in da air face down(on ya knees)
I'm a beast when I fuck I put it (in ya gutt)
I'm a have ya sayin no please let me get(up)
I'm a make you say dats the spot don't take it (out)!!!
I'm feelin like I culd nearly put it in ya(mouth)
Kanye told dem gold diggin hoes dat we pimpin in da(south) and it ain't payday unless nuts in ya (mouth)

If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it up and smack it look back at it I'm a addict


Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me(girl)
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me(girl)

Look... back... at... me(girl) x3

Back it up drop down to your (knees). Bring it up real slow make one cheek (freeze) x2

If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it up and smack it look back at it I'm a addict

[look;look;look] (LOOk.)
Back at you for what? I'm tryna concentrate on bustin me a(nut) I'm thinkin bout trav I'm thinkin bout [boe)
Lil dick nigga shit hurry up I gotta (go)
Sence they in prison pussy nigga make me know dat ya ain't a virgin and ya done dis before.
Fuck me till ya can't (breathe) Till ya swim and scream(help)It's your lucky day all the lifegaurds left.
Lil dick ass nigga you better get your face down here and(eat dis pussy)!!
Dribble Dese titties on your(lips)
While ya doin dat put your hands round my (hips) bounce me like a ball slam me like kate moth on and off the(dick)
better know for breakin hearts Nigga call a cab I'm finna to pack my shit and leave shouldna let ya (fuck)
Now dats some shit I can't believe wastin time fuckin all (off beat)
pussy nigga next time when ya see me (don't speak)


If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it up and smack it look back at it I'm a addict


Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[girl]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[uhh]
Look back at me[girl]

Look... back... at... me(girl) x3

If you want it you can get it if you with it I'm a hit it flip it rub it up and smack it look back at it I'm a addict

why ya runnin now u kno im goin merk wit u all night and all day holla at ma babes


...Thanks life!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Does Flaming Lead Smell?

If I were a piece of food, I would hope that I was something with fists... fists and swinging arms. Maybe with an extra elbow, just for added swinging effect. Remember Food Fighters? Why didn't that take off?! Nothing seems more delicious than a pizza with a helmet and bazooka, or a hotdog that stabs you in the night, right?!

P.S. - If you take a big whiff, you can smell our neighbors burning everything in the name of Bigfoot. He's here, you know!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

24 - The Pinball Game?

Really...?

...REALLY?!