Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Clearly I'm not on this enough. Clearly I'm not a real "blogger." If I were anything like the real deal I'd be posting every 20 seconds while yelping my ass off about the food I was eating right now!!!

It's delicious
I'm shitting
I burped
I'm shitting
This sucks
I'm pissing
I can't remember that band
I'm shitting again
I forgot my pants
This taser hurts!!!
I'm farting
I'm getting on BART
I'm shitting!!!
I'm getting off BART
I'm running!!!
They're trying to arrest me!!!
I'm shitting!!!
But I'm still running!!!!

The question is how to blog nonstop and still function properly as a kind and endearing member of society. The answer should be simple and straight forward, like: Hot glue your laptop to your party mule and ride it to work/cafe/friends house/toilet. But it isn't that easy, is it?! First of all, mules aren't allowed on BART (well, unless you take the last car at the end of the night). What about a video visor? Do they attach to iPhones? But I can't look at iPorn AND iBlog while I walk AND masturbate... this is a toughy!!!

A monkey on a segway with a second iPhone might work. But a segway might be too crazy for it technologically, and I don't really want to have to train him to do anything (which reminds me, I should check the Apple website for iPhone savvy monkeys). I could just give him a party dog to ride around. They could follow me while I dictate what I'm thinking, eat, shit, masturbate, and ride away from the cops on my party mule... but then I'd just have to figure out where to store them all at night! The monkey's dog just sleeps in the dog house, piece o' cake! I could get a portable shed for the backyard... but I'd have to worry about the monkey either trying to fight the party mule... or trying to party with it... and I'd have to worry about where they're gonna shit. I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with them using the house bathroom - mostly because they'd just raid the fridge and end up pissing in the garbage can... wait. No, I got that backwards.

A more practical answer might be to just get a fancy port-a-potty that they could all just live in... but I'd have to make sure the mule didn't have access to any cocaine, because I'm sure it would try to snort it off the toilet seat, and that's just not sanitary! Now, keeping the monkey and the party mule separate is still an issue. I'd have to get two port-a-potties so that they wouldn't try to start anything. Sleeping in a port-a-potty is nice, because you can just fall asleep on the toilet and not have to worry about getting up in the night, but I would be concerned about the monkey trying to throw his iPhone into the shit... and then throwing his shit everywhere else...

Now... if I gave the monkey two iPhones, I could dictate what I was thinking over the phone and he could type AND listen! This would ensure that he and the party mule would remain separate. The party mule would need it's own iPhone too, just in case we got separated. I'd have to get the monkey a bluetooth headset to insure he would have his hands free to type out my blogs on his "typing" phone, and also in case he needed to drive. But now that I think of it, he wouldn't even have to leave the port-a-potty! He wouldn't even have to live on my property! He could be in Russia! Which means I'll have to start looking for russian dogs and think about whether it would also need an iPhone...

I just wonder... do they have port-a-potties in Russia?