Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A Trail of Lung Bits to Guide My Way Home

Being sick is a lot of fun. Sweaty people are hella sexy, coughing loudly wards off a wide variety of ghosts and rabid beasts, and shivering is the sign of a "sensitive" man! Seeing straight is pretty overrated, in my opinion, and so is not vomiting. And in the end, if you don't really want to listen to someone, you can just drop into a coma and they will, you know, understand.

I woke up monday with a "slight" cough, which didn't really turn into a "substantial" cough until I decided it was a good idea to go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the Shattuck Cinemas. Boy, was I wrong! I never really thought about it, but I guess some movies just make you sick. Maybe it's specific to movies that have the same formula as Forrest Gump... hmm? Anyway, I felt like the screaming baby in the back of a church, or I guess a movie theater. I tried to cover up my cough by laughing, but there are only so many uncomfortable scenes and awkwardly quiet moments that you can really laugh at before everyone knows something's up.

Day two: Cough shit cough... minus the shit part. But I've been pissing enough for the whole house! Thanks to survivor man I know how to drink that shit without dying. But really, who want's to say, "Thanks to the wonders of drinking piss, I am alive today!" So we're back to the drawing board.

Today: I went to Whole Foods and got a bunch of gay homeopathic bullshit. If this stuff doesn't work, tomorrow I move to the big guns! No really! I'm going to point a big gun at my face and say, "NOT FUCKING SICK ANYMORE, ARE YOU?!?!?" and I figure that should do the trick. And just in case I accidentally shoot myself in the fucking head, I'll drink hella piss before hand. See?! Covered!! Nothing to worry about!

Did I mention being really sick totally makes you a genius?! Check!!

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