Friday, February 20, 2009

Stop, Zombies! Stop!

Ok, now I love me a good zombie movie, but after a certain point - especially when you're sick and watching them back to back nonstop - things get tired fast.

First: if you're not famous, you're fucked. Sorry. Shoulda got famous. It ain't hard people! If you are famous and are surrounded by more famous people... whoops.

Second: There's that one dude that gets bitten and hides it. You know, tension! Right? Maybe if you ignore it, you won't be zombie. Well guess what? You're zombie. But you kept it really interesting there for a while. Like in 1976.

Third: You're starting a zombie battling team. Why not add that shitty dick pussy to your team? You know, that one that's always cowering in the corner crying and always spouting off about how you're all fucked and that the plan's never going to work? Yeah! Him! Choose him! Now you have a team. Oh, wait, he bailed on you and left all the doors open. Well, it was a good run there for a second.

Fourth: Hey! They're called zombies! Remember?! There have been over a thousand movies about them ever since the 50s. Oh wow! Crazy! Forget all that history. How do you kill one of these things?!

Fifth: If there's a zombie invasion, and you start a zombie fighting team, and your zombie fighting team is all alone, and you hear a sound, and you say, "what the hell was that?" ...IT'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!! FUCK!!! Who gave you a zombie fighting team anyway?!

With any luck, the youth of today can team up and create zombie movies that just plain make us go hmm. And maybe we can all clean our pallets of this whole "new zombie era."

1 comment:

  1. You forgot the crazy bitch who's all fed up with staying in place and runs off in a truck!