Monday, February 9, 2009

Once Upon a Time in History 2: The Wrecking

So here's how I see it. Movies are dead. Period. Well, not period, because I'm still writing... but as a general concept... fuck! Fuck words! This fucking sucks already!!!! Shit!!! Why are you still reading this?!??!

TAKE 2! (Marker, clap):

Movies suck. The end-FUCK!!!!

TAKE 3! (Quiet on the set):

Movies are like sharks... dangerous, dangerous sharks. They need to move forward constantly or else they die. Now, I am of course speaking in metaphors, since... like... movies can't eat you, or remove a limb painfully. And you won't find tires in it's stomach... because they don't have stomachs-FUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

TAKE 3 PART 2! (I'm ready to fire somebody!!!)

So! In order for movies to survive as a living art form, we need to have fresh stories and fresh concepts. There! Said it! Movies have formulas. These formulas get old fast. Examples: Shyamalan is a dummy. Twist endings suck and blow. Stop telling stories backwards or in crazy order. The bad guy and the good guy can't be the same person. "It's all in your head" is fucking stupid. How many dance-offs can you really have? Is it "on" that fucking much people?!

It's gotten so bad that the new fad is just remaking old movies. What's the twist? They're all cast shitty! Get it?! So short of Charm School Bus Fuck: The Movie, there has to be a new formula if movies are going to stay fun and awesome. Personally, I believe I have the answer. I saw a movie poster for The Real Rock N Rolla and it all came to me in a flash! BIOPICS! ACTION BIOPICS! Biopics are already bullshit as it is. When history meets entertainment, shit goes in the face! Why?! Because it's about selling tickets, so everything is bullshit exaggeration and stupid love stories and yelling and fucking and crazy deals and arch-nemeses and punching... but not that much punching. If biopics were going to be accurate, they would just be people grocery shopping and taking dumps and complaining about coworkers and getting drunk and masturbating. It's all a lie. So fuck it!

ACTION BIOPICS are a mash up of the two genres that need to fuck each other up the most! As long as so-and-so didn't actually say what to whom, let's make them at least engage in combat! Right?! Johann Sebastian Bach is way more interesting firing an AK-47 at Nazis down the steps of the Colosseum! Sir Lancelot has a hard on for Harleys and dynamite! Darwin was all about anal sex and machetes!! When Franz Kafka killed the giant crab monster with his electro powers in order to save the good people of Duluth, he had no idea his welcoming committee would transform into blood thirsty wendigos at sun down! Emily Brontë beating the shit out of Edgar Degas with a mace on top of the Great White Pyramid in order to save the secrets of the Egyptian gods??! Way better!!!

Chah-Ching!!! Helloooooooooo money!!! Now will someone please fucking finance my shit?! I'm going to make us all fucking stinking bloody rich.


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