New York Post

I'm on BART. Soon I'll be at SFO, and then on a plane, then 700 different kinds of taxi. What happens if you can't actually spell or pronounce "Newark" when getting a plane ticket? Do you just suck it up and enjoy Jersey life for that month that you booked your ticket for? Who's the fuck that's responsible for naming it the "turn pike" anyway? Isn't that a kind of fish? Fuck!

I've never been to Newark... Excuse me, New YORK. I've been practicing my "asshole." I got a book at Moe's and have been spending my nights in front of the mirror and my stuffed animal collection. I even made Mr. Muffinfax cry one time. Serves him right. He better fuckin know how to drive by now! My mom bought him when I was four!

Now that I'm going to the biggest, craziest city in all of the US. I figure I have to claim it for myself. So I'm gonna have to pee on something while I'm over there, and it'll have to be something big and important. Maybe I'll take a tour to Ellis Island (cause that's where the statue is, right?!) and pee out Lady Liberty's mouth ONTO the WHOLE island! People will just think they installed a new fountain, and it'll be considered "cute." They may even throw some money in for "wishes." Perhaps to get the point across better I'll have to severely dehydrate myself so they get the point. I'm not fooling around, and here's "evil death pee" to show I meant business!

Security may be waiting for a superior move like this, so I'll need an effective escape route. Luckily I'll already be at the mouth, so all I need to do is leap out and slide down a rope. That's why I packed a mile and a half worth of rope. In fact, that's all I packed. Do you know how much suitcase space you need for that much rope?! I don't even want to get into it. Let's just say, the climb to the top of the statue won't be fun.