Friday, May 8, 2009

It's delicious!

Sorry I haven't posted for a month. I fell in the toilet and just made my way out this morning. I had the potential to get out earlier, because I found a rocket-fueled jet pack. But then I decided that making my way out sooner wasn't worth being surrounded by flaming shit... but that's just me.

I was thinking about things, as I often do, and I starting thinking that there are just some things that don't happen in real life. You see this in movies - action dude is in a tight spot and wants to leave, and he says, "LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!"

... No he fucking doesn't! And he doesn't say, "for the first time in my life I blah blah blah!" And no one else says, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?!" But someone somewhere seemed to think so at some time, and thanks to that butt cheek mouth, we get to hear these words in movies and our brains all the time! Deep, right?! Do you feel all crazy now?!?!

Well... here's something else that I've decided just does not fucking happen - the heimlich maneuver.

Yes, I'm sorry for all you do-gooders out there, but I am convinced that no one ever does this. No one runs up to a choking asshole and gives him a stomach pump à la reach around. Asshole chokes. Asshole dies. If you want to choke and want to live, you're just going to have to serve up the saving punching fists of life to your own gut. You're also going to like it. You may love it. You may not be able to stop. You should go to Vegas and have Elvis make this a legally binding thing.

Another event that you will not see is this: when someone in a public place is choking, having a heart attack, stroke, dangerously self-heimliching or getting shot like a pie gets salt, no one says, "is there a doctor in the house?!" And no one definitely gets up and says, "oh shit, crazy! yeah! I'm a doctor! Wassup?" Doctors have a tough enough time when they're working! Leave them alone on their break!!! Doctor is trying to enjoy her/himself. Doctor wants to party. Shh! Doctor sleeping. Doctor wants to fuck!

Now think about what you've done. I'll try to stay away from the toilet.

1 comment:

  1. Doctor wants you to change his diaper. Doctor wants you to tell him he made a mess.