Everybody Does It...

Sooner or later technology takes a shit. I don't care you you fucking think you are, but a big fat robot on chicken's legs is going to sneak up behind you, squat, and release. Maybe it will scream as it does so. Maybe it will quiver oh-so-slightly. Maybe it will have had a serious night of all you can eat Indian buffet followed by a taco truck debauchery. Well... if that's the case this might sting a bit more than usual. It's like that scene at the end of Gremlins 2... remember that? REMEMBER?! REMEMBER...MESSY!?!!?!?

In any case, the basic message is the same: There's an evil robot that somehow has figured out a way to eat foods that make it shit. Lot's of shit. This is not an easy feat, since robots don't have human organs and would ultimately rust and rot if it shoveled curry, carne asada, or spicy kielbasa down it's throat... which it also shouldn't have...

So wait... now I have another question about this whole fucking mess... who is making these asshole robots??? I bet I know the answer. It's Stephen Hawking, isn't it? I should punch him in his fat face! That guy is like the new epitome of super villain! Can you imagine if HE was the bad guy in Unbreakable?!?! That end scene WOULD BE CRAAAAAAAAZZZZYYYYY!!!!!!!

Ok, anyway, this post has downhill written all over it. So I'll go some more. Robots? How about computers? Computers with buttholes? What if you had your laptop on your (duh!!) lap, and you started to smell something? BAM!!! Lappoo! You better get your fucking computer a diaper stat! What a fuck!! Now, as much as I like talking about inanimate objects shitting all over the place, I don't want to leave out other important functions. Let's have 'em piss all over you too. Yeah, that's right. You think they have a CD/DVD/DVD±RW/Blu-ray whatever drive, but that's all a disguise. It's a urethra waiting to happen, man!

YOU: Oh man, I gotta rip this fuckin shitty mp3 collection for you and do a diddy on this popcorn fuckin bullshit cause I like you to have my shitty movies!

COMPUTER: PPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAALLLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRYYYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU: ...aw man!

So now you have laptops on big ol' legs that can shit and piss and fuck all over your house and one Stephen Hawking laughing... and laaaaauuuuughing in that computer voice. He's probably doing that thing too, where he just spins around and around in circles in his chair. He's just got it cranked on "left."

STEPHEN HAWKING: HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.

...

I just want technology to do something right for a change. I'm thinking that's too much to ask. Huh?

Oh, and I want someone to go here - yeah, that's right, the South Pole has a fuckin urinal... I hope it's an outhouse!

Stories Before Bedtime Waking Up.

Don't you love that fresh morning air? The song of the birds? The sweeping of the ice cream man opening up shop? Aren't you excited about that morning cup of coffee? Would you like to have a conversation with that special coworker?

Do you have 3 vicodin? Maybe a hammer too?