P.I.A.N.O.

Cross your fingers and crackle your toes! I'm getting a piano tomorrow! Thanks to Christmas time, the piano mover was extra-special-difficult to get a hold of. However, after persistent calling and nasty phone messages, he responded in tears. He felt so bad, he decided to pay me to move it. The only problem is that I don't know how to move a piano. Stupid money! Fuck! And what the hell is a piano anyway?!?!

Smoke 'em if you got 'em for Christmas!

Last night I dreamt that Erik Per Sullivan was not only the new teenage heartthrob, but twin teenage heartthrobs - thanks to child labor laws! I was running around frantically trying to see if anyone new them so that I could cast them in my new movie, while desperately trying to convince people that re-electing former president Ronald Reagan was a hugely disastrous idea, mostly because he's fucking dead. That's about all I remember, except every time I mentioned said heartthrob's name, people would immediately respond, "Erik Per Sullivan?! Ooh! Hearts on fire!!"

When is the first day of Christmas?

Everything is just so magical when christmas rolls around. Smell the air. Listen to the quiet purring of all the holiday critters. In a word, bliss. In two words, shit fuck. Happy Holidays!!!

Saturday Morning Cartoons on a Wednesday

Is Xmas a time for giving... or openning?